Change Ahead: What God is Teaching Me Along the Way

Change is inevitable. There are times when our hearts long for something different, something to rejuvenate our spirit and refresh our soul. A good kind of change. But what about when change comes quickly and we are thrown from our seats and have little or no time to adjust? Many times change does not come in the form of joy but one thing change does do consistently is press us toward our Father who knows just what the purpose of the given change is. 

My mother always told me that if I think I have it bad, there is always someone else who has it worse. I believe there is truth to that as recently I've been in a funk. Our second child decided to move in with her grandmother about a year sooner than my heart was ready for. She'll be a senior this year and our hope was that she would at least wait until she graduated to move out. She was enticed by an available room at grandmas and before we knew it she had a date set to move her things...it was the next week. What? Who has time to prepare for that? It was the middle of summer and no one was planning on a move from anyone, at least not THIS summer. 

My mind said, she's going to be 19 this fall so just go with it. I had two choices really. I could go with it or I could find every reason why she shouldn't move and throw them all out there, make a huge mess and hope she'd still want to call me mom. She was kind enough to allow me to help her with things and so I sucked it up, asked God to please meet me where I was, and help her like I would want to be helped. I prayed I would not be a reactor but a responder, and an encourager to her as she took this step to independence. The move went pretty smooth. She left for the beach the next day and I left for Virginia the day after. I didn't have much time to think about the change. Not being home really didn't allow anything to compute in my brain that a change really had occurred. When I came home it surely seemed weird. I cleaned up what was her room and turned it into a spare room. I tried to allow things to soak in, and quickly realized that a child moving out requires somewhat of a grieving process, especially when you had little time to prepare for the change in the first place. The next week we were off to the Lebanon fair and things seemed very much like normal as the girls always stay there with their animals. When the fair was over, it hit me. 

The next few days I could not control the tears. It did not matter where I was or what I was doing. I did not understand my emotions because I could not pinpoint the way I was feeling. There were so many things going through my mind and my heart. I found myself at a place where I could not even pray. I didn't understand what I was feeling and I didn't understand how to get out of the funk I had found myself in. 

We gathered for small group the following Sunday evening. Friends came early and I found myself answering their question about how mom was doing with the move. Seemed to everyone that the move was good for grandma but what about mom? As I answered questions hesitantly I did find the beginning of release. It didn't make everything better but I knew that people surely did understand and knew that they were holding me in prayer. 

 As the days went on and I spent time with our daughter who had moved out, more feelings would arise when she would talk to me about what grandma thought about this or that or how much she enjoyed talking with grandma about things. I quickly came to realize that I was struggling with rejection and realized I needed to nail it with truth before it turned into jealousy. After all, I still had not processed why she'd want to move out so quickly to begin with and now grandma was hearing and getting to know all about the things that I would now be missing out on. Perhaps this would not be so hard for me if she had graduated and was moving on in life and we would not have missed out on all of her senior year activities, dairy promotions and other parts of her life? My heart was aching deeply and the tears just flowed. "Why Lord have you taken her from us so soon?" I asked. As I listened to my own words, I quickly came to a new understanding. God has NOT taken my child. While my feelings are real, the bottom line is, our daughter is still here...still functioning...still very much alive where someone else is lifting the very same prayer, who has lost their child forever to the permanent change of death. What on earth was I saying? My mother was right. Someone out there does have it worse than me and I needed to choose to be thankful for what I DID have. Thankfulness opens the door to Gods presence and it awakens our awareness to a multitude of blessings.

I immediately began to thank God for what I did still have, for the time that I do get with her and for that fact that she still remains here on this earth to fulfill His purpose. I was sorry for anyone who was dealing with a loss of their child and my own selfish thoughts and asked God to forgive me. Within a few minutes my tears faded. Three times that day while emptying trash, I came across the bible verse, "Trust The Lord with all of your heart. " Proverbs 3:5 staring me in the face in each trash can. I felt as though God was teaching me through this to trust Him even in the midst of the garbage, and the things I don't understand.

It wasn't long after, that she asked me to go yard saling with her and I was so very thankful. Just the day before we ended up having lunch together with her sister and a new calf, in the calf hutch. It was pouring down rain, but I didn't care. I was just grateful we were all together and I was included in sharing even the little parts her life. Thankfulness...I was learning to be thankful with what was before me and truly found joy in those moments. 

While I don't know the future or how successful this move will be, I do know that my relationship with God and with her is what matters most to me; that for the moment my priorities are straight and that I am moving forward in a healthy way. While I can't say that the tears are completely gone, I can say that I'm not stuck in a funk and am grateful that by choosing another way; being thankful and learning to trust, that I can see past the cloudiness of my own unhealthy thoughts and my misty eyes ♥  


Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18

Trust in The Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3-5 

But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.
 Jeremiah 17:7

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.
 James 1:17